Be like Sheldon

Being Authentic For feedback

Recently after watching several seasons of The Big Bang Theory from the 2000s, I said to my daughter, “I want to be like Sheldon.” She looked at me funny because the two of us are very different. The character of Dr. Sheldon Cooper is a theoretical physicist, brilliant scientist, and lacks emotional quotient. He discovers empathy during the evolution of his character. I, on the other hand, have focused my work on empathic communication.

So, why do I want to be like Sheldon? Ultimately, it is because Sheldon does a few things I want to do better. His words are authentic, and he says what he means. There is no hidden agenda. Most importantly, (for the most part), those around him hear him for what he means to say. They don’t necessarily hear what he says as a “judgment”, rather as a fact. So, they hear what he wants them to hear.

Here are some examples of things he has said to those around him that many would consider insulting.

1. "It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels."

2. "If you don't mind, I'd like to stop listening to you and start talking."

3. “You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes, such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one's liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard?”

4. “I never said that you’re not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing.”

5. Sheldon: “Good morning, your honor. Doctor Sheldon Cooper appearing pro se. That means I am representing myself.”

   1. Judge: “I know what it means. I went to law school.”

   2. Sheldon: “And yet you wound up in traffic court.”

6. “Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to Koko the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.”

7. "Hello Penny. I realize you are currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges. But, as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?"

8. Penny: “I really don’t see what the big deal is.”

   1. Sheldon: “Of course you don't. You have never excelled at anything.”

When I first watched these instances, it felt like he was “rude” and these words were “insulting” and yet, most of the characters did not think so. Why? Was it because the writers created a character that was a “bully” and others subordinates? Or was it because they knew that it was not meant as an insult, it was just how he saw things. It becomes clearer over time that it is the “latter” as Sheldon learns about empathy and to consider others’ feelings. Everyone around him knows and understands that what he says is what he means, as a fact, not as a judgment. Emotions do not taint the process between what is said and what is heard.

There is some advantage of being able to say things as they are and the other person to hear them, That is important in giving feedback.

When developing the concept of “Meaningful Conversations”, I create the logo that shows : at least four steps in communications — built on skills of empathy, reflection and listening.

1. What I want to say (thought bubble)

2. What I actually say (speech bubble)

3. What is heard (I chose a speech bubble as it is hard to draw an ear and I can’t draw well)

4. What is processed (thought bubble)

This skill of being honest (being Sheldon) without being judgmental is important for “giving feedback.” As a faculty, learners need to know when they are not meeting their expectations, and it is better to have that conversation early in their career before they develop poor habits. These difficult and meaningful conversations require us to be like Sheldon and give feedback in plain language and without judgment. To be most effective, we have to create an environment where they hear the feedback without emotions.

As a leader of a team, the same challenges apply. We have to create the environment for honest conversations. An environment where we can give critical feedback (have difficult and challenging conversations) without the other person feeling being judged. We have to create an environment similar to the one Sheldon created around his friends, except he did it without empathy and we need to do it with empathy.

Over time, we have to earn the privilege of being known as being authentic. We need to consistently be honest and caring without being judgmental. Not being judgmental is felt, but it also need to be stated, out loud. For me, it is putting a sign on my door, that states that my office is a “judgment-free zone.”

Obviously putting a sign is not enough, there has to be action, consistent over time, to earn the trust of others. To create an environment of judgment-free zone requires work or being empathic all day, every day. I conduct myself in a non-judgmental way; listening, caring, and providing guidance to my team, my colleagues, and my students. If I behave in a judgmental way, by paying attention to my actions and others reaction, I can recognize and adjust my ways.

In an earlier post on being authentic, I stated that being authentic meant being present, actively listening to the conversation, and listening to ourselves. Here, another feature of being authentic is added. Being authentic also requires us to create a non-judgmental environment.

If you are a faculty or a leader, how do you create a judgment-free zone? How do you give feedback that is critical so that it is heard by the learner or your team member?